Sunshine

Get up, and get outside! Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and it’s time for an update.

Monologues is freshening up, and so should you!

Comfort or What You Want?

Occasionally my timing is horrible. Absolutely horrible. I’m either a few minutes late, early, or I’m looking the wrong way when something happens. It’s even worse when it comes to dating, job opportunities or paying the bills.

I don’t think my credit card company likes it when I interpret deadlines in a loose and free manner…

For some reason, though, it’s especially true in relationships. I call someone to early, or too late, our schedules don’t match up, or we can’t spend enough time with each other. But the worst though is being told this:

“I wish I had met you such and such a time ago.”

I live my life as fully as possible. I traveled a fair bit around the world, I’ve seen some incredible things, and I’ve even been able to write a small note in some amazing events. For some reason, this sense of adventure and mischief (let’s face it, I’m always looking for low amounts of trouble. Shinangins mostly) seems to be incredibly attractive to women. Combined with my ruggedly handsome looks, and I tend to make women in relationships take pause.

The issue though isn’t how full of myself I am. It’s a cultural thing. At some point women started to equate “comfort” and “reliability” with “love.” And things like “passion,” “excitement,” and “adventure” were removed entirely from the equation. After fighting his way through the Sheriff’s men, Robin Hood would be met with an already married Maid Marien. “He’s from a good family, we’ve been together for some time, and he’s got a good job.”

When did any of that matter in matters of love?

Forgive my bluntness, but if me having a conversation with you makes you question your relationship, it’s going to end. Badly. No wonder divorce rates are so high, people aren’t marrying for love any more. It’s more a matter of comfort.

“Settling Down” takes on whole new meanings and not one of them involves love. It’s as though everyone has become jaded with the idea of real, stop time, take your breath away, slow motion inducing love.

For being so forward and progressive, we still aren’t able to go after what we really want.

Gay Midget Twins And The Like

Being a bartender, I’m privy to some information that isn’t necessarily disclosed to the broader public. People share secrets with a bartender. Problems, feelings, secret loves. Standard fare when alcohol is involved, but every once in a long while a few gems are disclosed.

One of my regulars is convinced that George W. Bush is hiding Osama Bin Laden at his ranch in Texas. The war was started, but W. seeing an opportunity for power used the CIA to hide Bin Laden from the rest of the world. “We’ll never catch him, because we’re looking in the wrong place.”

Another customer, was amazed by the fact that two friends (a man and woman) were just friends. They liked each other, but only as friends. He confessed to me “two friends, loving each other like that. That’s beautiful.”

But the one that takes the cake I heard last night…

Two guys came in, and were talking with a few other customers. When asked what they did, one of them said he was in the porn industry. This sparked a flurry of conversation that culminated in them saying they filmed gay midget twins having sex with each other.

One customer took it a step further, and as he left the bar stated “I’m going to get me some Filipino midget twins tonight!”

Behind the bar

I’m a bartender. It’s my calling. Which is interesting that I would use the term “calling” with “bartending.” Especially when given the fact that I went to a dry college, that had been built by a prohibition friendly denomination, and populated with holier-than-thou teetotalers.

Yet, bartending is my calling. It’s not just my profession, or something that I’m doing until my ship comes in. This is my ship, I chucked everything else, and jumped on board.

It isn’t easy, I come home feeling exhausted, sore, grumpy, and exhausted. Did I mention how tiring it is?

It’s the combination of repetitive manual labor combined with listening to everyone’s lives and making sure they have a good time without going overboard.

It’s rare to be able to listen to everyone without judgement, always offer a story, joke, answer to people over and over again without becoming disinterested or disingenious. It starts with people.

My goal is to make sure everyone comes through the door and can forget their problems for a few minutes. It’s like a sanctuary. They should feel like the king or queen of the world.

I do enjoy everyone that comes in to the bar, sometimes it takes a little more energy than others. And I’ve had to get firm a few times in order to keep everyone in a good mood.

But that’s one of those important things: A few moments of pain insures hours of enjoyment.

Sparks Aren’t Fire

“Like ships passing in the night.”

Two people occasionally have such a connection that it defies all others understanding. It’s a deep and abiding love that moves beyond simple friendship or dating into something much more. Neither eros nor philio love, and yet at the same time both.

But when it happens between a man and a woman, it’s a complicated situation. The issue then, is that everyone realizes that they are perfect for each other. Except them. They’re completely oblivious to the entire situation. And if one realizes it, the other disagrees.

Two people deeply in love with each other, unable to realize why they can’t make things worse elsewhere, can’t begin to see what’s in front of them.

So they go away from each other, never forgetting the other, but never really thinking about them. When they run into each other they pick up where they left off, and when they leave, it’s business as usual.

Everyone around them wonders, some even say something, but there’s no fire there. Sparks fly so often each party has become immune to them.

It’s sad to see two ships pass in the night, without realizing what they’re missing

Within

All men, it is said, possess a beast within them. At what point does the man lose control and the beast take over…

How far have we come from our primitive days? Whether one ascribes to evolution, creation, or intelligent design, all three agree that there were dark days in Man’s past. As man emerged from the Animal Kingdom, how long did it take to shake off the most base urges and develop a sense of humanity?

Surely we’ve had more than ten thousand years to progress forward away from killing and violence. Towards peace and prosperity. And yet, we have not. Perhaps we’re only one action, one moment, one decision away from reverting to our most primitive selves. Letting loose the animosity, genetically pent up within us for the last few millenia.

And what are the consequences of this? Today’s life offers few healthy outlets, we’re expected to default to the normative standards even if it kills us. Slave to dream that many don’t want, and voiceless to express it. And so it festers in the deep recesses of our souls, until we can no longer contain it.

And it breaks free. A drip at first, a sharp word or hard stare, and then more. Angry tirades, reckless behavior, confrontation without reason, and then the damn bursts. Lashing out at any within sight or sound, with no ability to reason or explain or understand. It’s as though someone has put on a mask, words come out, but expression is void.

It’s like a computer emulating human thought. Eventually it reaches a point of failure.

Valentines Survival Kit

In honor of the upcoming massacre that happens to fall on a saints day. I’ve scrounged together random pieces of advice to help us all make it through. Hopefully you’ll spend the next year preparing for Valentine’s day 2010; because I’m tired of bailing you all out.

For the couples:

A few necessary songs and the reasoning behind it.

“I Wanna Sex You Up” Color Me Bad
And you have to commit to this one. Strip naked, look them dead in the eye and keep saying “This is not a joke, we’re gonna make love til we drown.”

“F*** Her Gently” Tenacious D
Seriously, the title says it all. and we can all take a lesson from the line “What’s your favorite posish? That’s cool with me it’s not my favorite but I’ll do it for you. What’s your favorite dish? I’m not going to cook it but I’ll order it from Zanzibar’s” Love is give and take, compromise, and knowing when it’s time to turn off the oven and call take-out. Just because Rachel Ray can do it in a half hour doesn’t mean you should. Beyond that, movie stars would always fly in fresh food from their favorite restaurants in New York; and they got mad honeys yo!

“Anywhere” 112
In fact, any song by 112 from the late 90s is a good bet. Nothing quite sets the mood like putting on a few tracks that takes you back to those awkward sweaty palmed, overly-cologned junior high dances. Turn this on, wear a pair of pleated khaki’s, school shoes, and your dad’s tie and she’ll be putty in your hands. Ladies, spaghetti strap skirts, or those black and white weird jumpers that were popular in 97 will have your man falling over the floor. Come to think of it, thats how I acted at my last grade school dance…

Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Frank Sinatra.
If I need to explain any of these choices, you’re already headed for a divorce. I’ll go get the scotch you bring the gun.

For Singles

“Love Stinks” J Geils Band
Love stinks, yeah yeah. It’s not a lyrical masterpiece, but who cares. J. Geils speaks from the soul.

“Somebody Kill Me Please” Adam Sandler
Because that’s how we’re going to feel everytime at the restaurant we hear some hushed “Oh David! It’s perfect! I love you so much.” Waiter, I need another scotch and a gun…

“What’s It Gonna Be” Busta Rhymes
How can you not be in the mood to go out and make bad decisions with the opposite sex after listening to this song? Put it on before you head out on Valentine’s Day and you’ll be stealing David’s swooning date before the entree makes it into the oven. Or at the very least, you’ll score on the hammered single girl out on a group date with all her taken friends. Either way: jackpot!

Candy

For Couples:
M&Ms will let you personalize a bag of M&Ms. Too bad you had to place that order a month ago. Just pick up a bag of dark M&Ms and tell her they messed things up.

Singles:
Umm, it’s candy. What’s not to love? Curl up with some sweetharts, M&Ms, a pint of Hagendaas and a movie. For Guys: Braveheart or Rudy. For girls: Love In November or Nottinghill (yeah like Hugh could pull of being a travel book salesmen, that big footed, English asshole ruining it for everyone else). Hell, you might as well melt a stick of butter and pour it over everything, you won’t be headed out for a few days.

Venues

Couples
Think dark, intimate, private, secluded. A fancy restaurant, a moonlit lake, a dark forest. Somewhere no one can hear you scream when your black widow of a lover turns on you. Yeah now you wished you had stayed in for deep fried sweetharts and Rudy don’t you?

Singles
This is the only night that a singles bar will be acceptable. But only if you handle yourself well. Don’t drink more than three drinks. You need to keep from being the sad, soppy mess at the bar. This will help you to pick up one, two, maybe three sad, soppy messes. Every shot ordered should be toasted with “Fuck Valentines!” It’s all an act. Inside you’re holding yourself beneath your favorite blanket crying to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” watching clips of “Dirty Dancing” run through your mind. Why can’t I find a Patrick Swayze for me. I mean… I only like “roadhouse” because I’m a bartender.

Shoot The Moon

Cards, like life, reward risk. It isn’t often that the perfect alignment of opportunity and readiness come together, but when it does there’s only one option: Shoot the Moon.

In high school, I never was popular with women. At least, I didn’t think I was. Often I probably over looked more than I was rejected by. It wasn’t my fault! A fifteen year old has no understanding of signals or subtlety. For any high school girl reading this: BE direct, as in grab the boy, make out with him and don’t take no for an answer DIRECT.

It was worse in grade school. At least in high school girls have learned to be polite in their rejections:
“No.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Stop stalking me or I’ll call the police.”

But in grade school, social protocols have yet to be learned. Because of that I still despise the song “Skida-ma-ringi-ringi-dink” I was chased around for thirty minutes by the girl I had a crush on, and all her friends, while they sang their own version of the song. Every time the word love came up, they had changed it. To hate.

I still have nightmares involving that song.

College though I got my legs under me, and started to understand the opposite sex. And the finer things in live. Beers, Wine, Cigars, Cars, Cards, it was a great time to attend a dry, conservative campus. Thankfully gas was cheap, and my job payed well. I could afford to drive an hour each way to drink and enjoy myself.

But I didn’t misbehave until after college, and when I moved in with three other good friends of mine. Ridiculous…

But things didn’t match up, the cards weren’t playing well. I was breaking even. Not winning. it was time for a change. A new venue, new dealer.

Pining away

I don’t do it very well. And I hate waiting. I’m a man of action; I tend to identify with one ministers description of Peter “ready, fire! Aim.”

I tend to leap before I look, and then think about what I did. Rarely do I regret it, but often I come away saying “what was I thinking.”

Maybe I’ve finally learned my lesson, or I’ve found someone that I’m willing to change some things around in my own life to see if it works. Who knows, and eventually I’ll find out. Maybe.

On Love and Friendship

Woman of the world pay attention:

Your guy friend will always make the best lover. And you don’t have anything more to lose than anyone else. Mature a little bit, be an adult, grow a pair and go for it.

Men of the World:
Quit with the I just want her to be happy bullshit. No you don’t you want her to be happy with you. Admit it, stop being so damned polite all the time, get pissed off and go fight for her. Do you want to be just friends or the one she calls when everything falls apart? No? Then fucking be a man and do something about it.

What makes a relationship a relationship? If two people regularly go out and enjoy each others company, does that constitute dating?

What do people want in a relationship? Fun, good times, commitment? At what point does it stop being friendship and start being something more?

Friends can and often do make the best lovers. But only when the other person realizes it. Unfortunately, that’s often too late. So there exists two options. Pine away forever until she realizes what she could have with you… OR you make something happen.

I was watching “La Vie In Rose” a few nights ago with a good friend of mine. And no, I don’t watch subtitled french movies with just anyone. At one point, a few love letters are read back and forth between two people. And my friend looks at me and says “people don’t write like that anymore. Have you ever written like that?”

No, I haven’t. I told her I haven’t found the right person yet. I want to write like that, to be able to freely express feelings like that. Who wouldn’t want that kind of relationship?

Of course, a few days later I realized that my friend makes me want to write like that, and now I’m dealing with the classic best friend scenario.

If it weren’t so ludacris I’d be crying. C’est la vie.